Don’t Mess With Texas

By Jessica Varin

When Chuck Norris mops he senses
the last will and testament of Escherichia coli
and the destruction of thirteen original colonies
which he roundhouse kicked out of existence
because they dumped his decaf tea in the harbor.
He harbors an affinity for microbial matter
because they’re everywhere he wants to be and
thus bigger than Texas which you don’t
want to mess with. When Chuck Norris breaks
ground, the earth moves but the earthworms
don’t seem to give a damn.
They are their own series of tubes
and this pisses him off. He resents
Al Gore for claiming the internet
as his creation. Chuck Norris knows that
Al Gore actually invented AOL. This makes
him feel superior to Al Gore.
Chuck Norris knows he can save the earth
without a Nobel Prize, but he still wants one
to use as a tiny stepping stone in his backyard
so the earthworms know who’s boss. He hears
they have a hard time breaking down
metal. Chuck Norris can break twenty boards
in under a minute yet he dreads
the day he will be broken down
into dust by microbial matter.
He has seen them all; he calls them each
by name. He mops the floor with them.